well, i feel like a failure. Life isnt easy. im struggling to keep my head up. struggling to stay positive for everyone. i love my family, but theyre really no help to me. i dont try and ask for help from them because then i'd be constantly put down. i already feel stupid, no need to make me believe it. but thats a little too late. yehknow, now would be a good time for a boyfriend..someone who's always there when you need them. someone who wouldnt mind coming over to just hold you tight as you cry. unfortunately im not looking, its just a thought, yehknow just random ish going through your mind when youre reaching a breaking point.. yeah whatever. anyway i feel like im so damn stupid, i feel like im the person who goes out alot and drinks and smokes, but in reality i dont, im not that person. but everyone apparently sees me that way. if a friend comes over, im constantly asked who that is and why. wtf you never ask your other kids these questions. what did i ever fucking do?! pardon my language, but i ask you guys to come to me games, come support me in things i love to do, i tried letting you guys in my life by ASKING you to come and watch what i do with my life at school... but no, no support.. no one ever came and supported ME play. no one went FOR me and ONLY me. there was always a reason other than for me. i felt so alone in high school, and i feel so alone now, in college. being constantly put down, and having to find ways to pick myself back up and fucking smile and act like everything is A okay. ugh i dont know i need someone to talk to, someone who won't judge me, someone who will understand or someone who'll just listen and comfort me. i dont even know if im making sense, but my mind is just corrupted. i just want to be alone forever. seems like have, now lets make it official, right? wehh. this is hard. i have a.d.d. and yeah. too lazy to go back and re-read this.. but yeah anyway, my first year of college wasnt so fun. if youre reading this and not yet in highschool, i recommend that you dorm or atleast drive and be social. dont be antisocial like me, you wont make it. Its always good to know people in all your classes just in case you need help. oh and DONT be afraid to ask for help.. see for me, im antisocial, i wont talk to anyone unless the teacher requires it. im afraid of asking for help because thats just who i am.. im used to people asking me for help.. im used to putting people, everyone, before me. which is one reason, not excuse, a reason why i put off so many things and procrastinate.. ugh you know if i could i would totally write my own book right now about my life, but i hate writing, when i write i write as if im talking to someone, so it just sounds like you reading a conversation someone had with themselves. points here and there not making any sense and whatnot.. ugh someone save me please i really want to cry :'( so close to tears.. ugh i dont know.. im probably one of the nicest person ever, but one of the most sensitive. i hate feeling this way. saaaaave me from this nightmare of mines....
on top of that, im just not feelin school. i am not one to get low/bad grades but college is making damn sure i dont get any good grades at all. i am so dissappointed in myself, and i have no one to really talk to. all my bestfriends are far, or theyre busy with their boyfriends/girlfriends so i dont want to intrude. wahh :'( goodbye for now.
yours truly,
rinamichelle<3
so, i don't know where this year went. My 1st year as a college student did not go well whatsoever. im so exhausted, senioritis creeped up on me. It didnt hit me hard when i graduated a year ago but it definitely hit me when college started. I effing hate it. i miss th simplicity of things yehknow. Faculty at school effing suck balls -_- it gets me so angry i just want to cuss, but no i cant do that.
anyway, i really need time with a friend alone at the park, just us two so i can vent and cry as much as i wanted to. who would that friend be? i honestly don't know.. someone who knows me well, someone i can trust someone who doesnt mind me talking about stupid ish and just someone who im comfortable around and is comfortable around me. someone who wouldnt mind listening and dealing with my bullcrap and all my crying and whining lol.. wehh if i have to sit alone at the park crying and venting to myself then yeah, i would with no doubt do that. ugh i dont know. honestly ive drifted away from my friends in highschool.. i mean i never really had friends. well dont get me wrong i did but they were friends of friends and what not. and my friends had other friends who they talked to more yehknow and me being me i wouldnt want to intrude. i was always quiet, never really talked. pretty antisocial, shy. i dont know how ive become the person i am today.. i dont know if i should be proud happy sad or whatever because part of me doesnt like who i am because i hold myself back from doing alot of things. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.
i have my own little converstions with God when i'm alone, i know i can't hear or see him, but i know he's somewhere listening, which is why i wouldnt mind going to the park by myself and whatnot..
what the ef am i talking about? i dont know just random ish because there is so much on my mind i cant even process what im thinking thoroughly. I cant even put them into spoken words. they just end up coming out in blah blah blah's. ugh i dont even know... theres school on my mind, my family, my friends, myself, boy problems, insecurities, and much more. i dont even know. i tend to out others first before me, causing me to procrastinate, to not do the things i should be doing. i cant even go to school with my head up high... ugh what the fuhhhh... i am not making any sense.. i cant even.. if i re-read this ill probably cry.
somebody save me please..
~gooodnight~
yours truly,
rinamichelle<3