good news,

okay, i just received good news! Imo hoping that it will help me, and if it does, i swear i will be thee happiest person, i will promise to stay on top of my shit, yes i cussed because i am beyond ecstatic. ugh no words would explain my emotions if this good news comes through for me. ugh #hopeful & #praying.

falling apart,

this year was full of new things, good and bad. I tried my best to keep a positive attitude, to keep my head up. Its hard you know, being this innocent girl with strict parents and hardly any friends.. Its not a bad thing, i guess, but it sucks that most of the friends i have consist of boys. Im one whos never had many girls that are friends. Im not saying its because they dont have drama im just saying, ive been used to being around guys since the fact my whole family consists of guys, but even with my guy friends i can't even open up to them as much as i'd like. I can't cry infront of them about a problem, i usually just laugh it off. It sucks as well, the fact that i constantly think of myself as a whore or slut. People tell me im such a nice sweet person, but in my mind i think the total opposite, don't know why, but thats just how i feel. i know im nice and all that but you can't help but feel what you feel you know. well thats not what i wanted to talk about, just needed to vent though, thanks.

ANYWAY, this year is about to end, and all i can say its just been hell. my parents seem more strict on me than theyve ever been. Its like im still 12 years old to them like im someone who cant take care of themselve when im perfectly fine. They are the ones that raised me so whats the problem?! i dont drink nor do i smoke! all im asking for is a little freedom that i've never had. I love my family but too much of one thing can get overwhelming. im overwhelmed with family, being around them for all 20 years of my life. i dont know. some people wouldnt understand, i dont even know how to explain it.. ugh other than that school sucks, im trying so hard to do better but nothing, no motivation.. i have no drive to continue and i cant even talk to anyone... Im so antisocial, i can't ever be close to anyone.. i dont even know why i can't be. do i constantly push people away? is it because i was never close to my parents growing up? i dont know..
on top of that i cant figure out my love life, im not looking not trying to chase anyone. But this guy i met and sorta talking to, i dont even know what we are. we havent had a proper one on one hangout, i dont even know if we're talking.. then theres this guy i met in this club im in. Dont know if he's interested in me but im kinda crushing, he dances, he sings, and plays guitar, everything that i'd want in a guy to sweep me off my feet. ugh idk.. then one of my closest friends at school just got friendzoned.. by me.. i didnt mean for anything to even get to where we are now, i mean i thought i made it clear that we were just friends and only friends nothing more. Ugh i dont even know what to do with my life anymore... all the new and old people in my life, i love you all dearly, but my life is just complicated and i dont even try to make it this way. its like one thing leads to another then to another then i becme overwhelmed then i am being overwhelmed of becoming overwhelmed then i stress about being overwhelmed about becming overwhelmed and all i can do is freaking blog about it, and maybe not even post it! i have no one.. i can't talk to people the way i talk to myself, why? i dont know.. i dont know what to do.. ugh..

in the mean time, all i do is sit here and wait with a smile on my face, head up high with positive attitude as my life is slowly but surely falling apart. :'(

thanks for listening,

with love,

rinamichelle<3>